You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So vagazzling was a success
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
