do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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