You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
