I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
