Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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