I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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