my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize