the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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