If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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