Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
