He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
