if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
