On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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