I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
