you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
there is glitter all over my balls
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