You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
