she woke up with a sticky ear
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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