Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
