Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize