So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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