I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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