I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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