I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
