**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I have aggressive nipples.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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