It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just cropdusted the office
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
