addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
