the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We talked him into tasing himself.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
