The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
