i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
