Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize