the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
