and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
