miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
