I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I need to sanitize my soul.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
