New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
