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My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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