Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
