Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize
