Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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