I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
