Me too!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize