So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
