and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Even my vagina gasped.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
