I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
This couple is walking their pig around campus
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
