You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
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