you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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