so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I understand Curling. That high.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
So squirting runs in the family.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
