She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
