I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
