if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
