I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
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