She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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