you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
