Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
