So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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