marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
