non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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